Old. No longer relevant:
Your picture fell down today.
Oh how pleased I was to sit there and watch it shatter into a fragments.
Lying useless on the ground.
No longer must I avoid that corridor where you hung.
Staring into my eyes.
I lost my respect for your enduring selfishness.
Yes broken into shards of glass, you invite others to be sliced by the pain you provide.
I am finally free to roam about with no fear of the deep gash you once tore into my skin. Relinquished.
So it’s the end of November. God told me to wake up the other day with the sun shining particularly bright in my eyes. He was telling me it was going to be a bright day, and it was. Many parts of the song Old Wyom by the Avett Brothers are summing up something at the moment. I like it. “My God your loveliness”.
Here is the end of November:
Crammed thoughts plague my mind like this ugly room we’re in. Yet overcome with hope. You are not something I’m willing to pass
I’m too tired from the labor that has transpired. Pinch me to wake into those eyes.
If silence is perfect, than that’s the song I’m writing when I’m with you.
In a matter of hours, the story can change. So can you.
Dehydrated from your love. Pour your soul into me and refill what was missing.
“There’s just something about it that feels right.”
I’ll try to put them all together soon enough, but for now I don’t think I have the time. Or maybe I’m just not supposed to quite yet.
Happy Thanksgiving Mar-Lu-Ridge. Running at people’s cars and giving them giant hugs as they arrive is a must. Sheetz (X’s 2) is a must. Dance Party where people get hurt is unfortunate but typical. Fun nonetheless. Saying goodbyes? Until we say hello again, the moments will have to last. Marion, Harry, Ginny, Julia, Zibby, Bobby, Amy, Matt, Rebecca, Jacob, Michael, Elliott, Maddie, Luke, Josh. I don’t think I forgot anyone and if I did I’m sorry!
Highlights of the trip: Hugging everyone hello. Driving and talking to Julia and Amy (Best car). Being loud at Sheetz. Being a complete goofus with Michael. One on one talk with Zibby (how I’ve missed you and those). One on one talk to Rebecca (same thing. I love you so much). Josh Horne!? Hanging out with Harry until 1:30 a.m.
I also had a great LSM thanksgiving, Edenwald thanksgiving, and Family Thanksgiving. I love all of these wonderful people in my life and I miss those who I have not been able to see over the break. End Times is just the title for November. Tomorrow Morning is yet to come.
Perfect. Perfect was the only word that could describe the setting Sun over South Mountain. The view from Mar-Lu-Ridge was perfect.
As I stood and sat on those rocks I cried in the beauty. Of the view and of you. Shivering in the cold. It was worth it.
Before that I saw Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows with Shannon, Ian, Becky, Monica, Kelly, Matt, Marion, Maddie, and Marion’s friend Renae. It was such a fantastic night. Sitting, waiting, wishing for it all to happen again. So much fun for such a good movie with such good friends. (Speaking of, Janek made it back about a month early from hiking the top half of the Appalachian Trail! I hope to see him!!) Then went up to Mar-Lu-Ridge for an awesome Synod Council retreat. Great conversation and got some stuff done. Let’s see some progress De/Md Synod! Got back Saturday, went out to dinner with Shannon, Ian, Becky, and Monica at Uno in the inner harbor. It was awesome. We made ginger bread houses later and shoved icing in each others faces 🙂
I like these better than the last ones:
Up here i dream of you in quiet lavender skies.
Full of love there’s a chance to believe in us.
There’s this creature who wraps her arms in mine.
We are (fatally flawed) in the midst of reality.
Yet the smiles we share makes it fitting for our style
You are narrating the story of my name and the weight on my heart builds
Making wishes on the shooting stars falling from the trees. Wishing to be with you.
Give me courage Lord.
If I fell in love with you
Would you promise to be true
And help me understand
’cause I’ve been in love before
And I found that love was more
Than just holding hands
Perfect God,
Be with us.
Amen
This is a bit different than I thought it would be. Quality is getting worse. Bleck. Anyway, it’s all for you.
The dew dripping from this flower is the blood from my heart
With this last breath, I draw in the last of my hope. With this last breath, I exhale my exhaustion. A sigh of finality.
These thoughts cover my mind. I promise you they do.
God is by your side dear, give him a whisper in his ear
Tallying up each time I catch myself thinking of you
I’m barely breathing through this dream where I’m waking up with you
How did I hurt myself before I hurt you?
This is a struggle. A struggle of me and you.
Depending on our internal design. Whether we get through.
Prayin for hope. Prayin for me to continue to be myself. Knowledge that God will be there for me whatever the outcome. Thankful for the amount of time I have hung out and talked to my friends the past couple of days. Love them. Miss my friends who are the farthest away from home than they have ever been for an extended period of time. Praying for them (along with the ones who are sick. Sick enough to go home (Marion…))
So a bunch of my friends are doing something each day in the month of November, so I decided to tag along. Each day post one random line (or something like that) and rearrange them at the end of the month to make a poem (or something along those lines). I’m a little late so I made up some tonight:
1:Be the journalist for my feelings and spread our love on the front page.
2:This partnership cannot handle a loss in times like these.
3:Here I am sketching a precipice from my mind in a letter to you.
4:I don’t think I would fall with someone sweet beneath to catch me.
5:You are connected to my heart with words unknown.
6:As long as I get to lay my burdens down by the water.
7:Work with me as I find myself.
“Bless me with your quiet singing
and whisper music in my ears.
The best and worst thing about your memory:
It doesn’t fade away with the passing years.
And I remember something like love
passing, strolling, riding, and rolling through my veins.” Blessed. Timothy Seth Avett as Darling
“she says I like long walks and sci-fi movies
you’re six foot tall and east coast bred
some lonely night we can get together”
Mystery is kinda weird. Honestly, what is going to happen? Will the new Harry Potter movie be good, or will it suck like the 6th one? I’ll find out soon, but that’s not exactly what I mean. On a more grand scale. Who in my life that I text once in a while to keep close to, or call once in a while will be in my life in a few years when I’m still working at camp, getting married, or becoming a pastor? Or will any of that happen? Haha that would make my life pretty weird.
I’m just thinking, but it’s kind of a mystery of who I would get married to. I could already know the person and be good friends with them, I could know them a little bit, or I could have to wait to meet this person. Of course I have some say in how things go down, but a lot of it will just come about naturally over time. Either way, I won’t know until it happens. It’s the same with my friends (although to a slightly less degree). I know I have lifelong friends stemming from Mar-Lu-Ridge and other areas of my faith, but sometimes people from camp do in fact come and go in each others lives. Similarly, will I still be friends with people from Edenwald? Or is this all a big joke and I’m just friends with them because I work with them. I would like to think not, but it’s quite possible. Some people have already left and I haven’t been in contact with them as much as usual, but there are people who I can easily see myself becoming closer to over the years.
That was the main mysterious notion on my mind at the moment as I struggle to fall asleep at 1:05 a.m. that 7:25 alarm for my 8 a.m is looming nearer and closer. Sorry if reading this wasted your time. Hopefully it will at least help me fall asleep. Goodnight. Listen to Andrew Bird if you have yet to. He’s really good. If you already have, fall in love with him all over again.
I miss you. I really do. We aren’t good friends and that’s just the reality. Whenever I stop home we say our hellos, but that’s about it. You have your life and I have mine. This is nobody’s fault. Would I go back and change our relationship if I could? You bet I would. I really wish we had a good relationship Todd. I have a multitude of memories of us arguing, but they will never ever overshadow the best memories I could possibly share with my dear older brother. I love you.
I really don’t pray enough for you, if it makes a difference. I’ve dived straight into my faith from mom and dad, but it certainly seems like it hasn’t affected you as much. Of course, it’s meant to be this way. The opportunity was given to me so that I would be more involved, and I took it by fate naturally. Haha when we went to camp the same week as kids you would kind of ignore me or just hang out with the older kids at pool time and what not. I was disappointed but I had a great time because I got along with my own groups. Maybe that’s why I love the place so much. It’s quite though. I’m quite ashamed of myself for not talking about you more and how you have influenced my life to the friends that I have made through my faith actually because, oh what a difference you have made.
“You’ll be taller than you’re brother” they always told me in elementary school. How wrong they were. You’re a good few inches taller than me. I blame them all sometimes for constantly comparing us. It didn’t help our relationship from comparing each other. One upping each other, fighting for the slightest attention from mom and dad. Your body type is different. Your eyes are different. Your red hair is different. The very feel of your hair is different. What about our similarities? We’re both Eagle Scouts and were big leaders in the troop. We are leaders. We’re both outgoing, though in different ways. Remember all the times we would go off together when mom was shopping for something? You would always get me to ask the worker to find out where the toys were, but if you knew where they were, there is no doubt you were leading the way.
We sure did fight a lot, and whenever we got along, mom and dad usually didn’t approve. Breaking mom’s shadow box is something I regret the most but we were playing ball in the house and it was so much fun! Now we’re looking to recreate it for her hopefully. Wrestling in our house, in Miss Jo’s house. Those were the days. Playing basketball outside our house. You would always win. I would get frustrated and constantly foul you. I’m sorry. I always wanted you to play with me but sometimes you were just too old, but I love the picture of you playing guitar and me playing drums made out of cardboard and wood. Especially since that’s how it ended up for real. Going camping with the folks was boring but we had a good time playing sports etc. Man you were cool.
And you were the typical brother weren’t you. Constantly made fun of me to your friends, and directly at me. They would make fun of me and I would be hurt, but when it really got down to it and you really noticed I felt threatened, you would stick up for me. We may seem like acquaintances now but we’re brothers and there’s something more to that. Playing football with the Korpisz twins made us seem like best friends. You certainly kept me active, which I’m grateful for.
Where are we now? I’m not really sure. I guess I didn’t explain why we are similar in many ways, and man do I have many memories left. One of the most vivid is when Mr. John died. You loved him so much. And when Peabody died. We loved him so much Todd. Maddie too. I miss them so much. They were the best pets we ever had. When we were in the animal hospital with Peabody he was so pathetic. I can’t stand remembering it sometimes. But I don’t think I have ever seen you more upset than that night. You loved him so much. And then when Maddie died 5 months later I couldn’t handle it. Another thing I regret. I never gave myself a chance to see that beautiful dog one last time at Mom-moms house and you did…
Now you drive me around and we talk with Cara a bit. We certainly are different people with different lives in many aspects but we share a lot in growing up. When I think of you, I don’t think about the time you threw my birthday gift down the stairs and broke it, I remember the good ones. The ones that got us in trouble and the ones you stuck up for me, or our adventures. I love you Todd, if I ever learn to play guitar, I’ll play this with this song with these lyrics:
I wonder which brother is better
Which one our parents love the most
I sure did get in lots of trouble
They said to let the other go
A tear fell from my father’s mother’s eyes
I wondered what my dad mom would say
He She said I love you
And I’m proud of you both, in so many different ways
If I get murdered in the city
Go read the letter in my desk
Don’t worry with all my belongings
But pay attention to the list
Make sure my sister brother knows I loved him
Make sure my mother knows the same
Always remember there was nothing worth sharing
Like the love that let us share our name.
Amen.
You’re little brother,
Karl
You may tire of me as our December sun is setting because I’m not who I used to be
No longer easy on the eyes but these wrinkles masterfully disguise
The youthful boy below who turned your way and saw
Something he was not looking for: both a beginning and an end
But now he lives inside someone he does not recognize
When he catches his reflection on accident
On the back of a motor bike
With your arms outstretched trying to take flight
Leaving everything behind
But even at our swiftest speed we couldn’t break from the concrete
In the city where we still reside.
And I have learned that even landlocked lovers yearn for the sea like navy men
Cause now we say goodnight from our own separate sides
Like brothers on a hotel bed…
Trust.
Trust can be the safest thing to give to someone, yet be the most dangerous thing in the world.
So how on this secular Earth are we supposed to give our trust into something that we constantly doubt?
Not only do we struggle to learn to love a God who we cannot fully understand but we struggle to blindly trust this God that we do not fully understand.
Take in a breath. A full breath.
When you breathe you trust that oxygen will be available for you to inhale. You trust that your organs will suffice in taking in this breath. Yet through this whole process you don’t give breathing much of a second thought. So why can’t we give this thoughtless trust in God? Looking around we witness miracles all the time. Being able to see is a miracle. Imagine how much different your life would be if you could not see, if you could not breathe properly. When you look around you mostly see other people, inanimate objects that we built by other people. You see people in a living background that God has provided so that we may live. Trees, plants, animals, and humans all breathing in and working to live the life God intended them to live. When we look around we trust that all of these things are around us. They are not pigments of imagination. They are there for a reason.
I feel like being able to blindly trust in God without giving it a second thought is as mysterious as the soul that God gives us to live off of forever.
So blindly trusting in God is one of the most difficult things we can do right? What about blindly trusting in another miracle known as the human being? Especially since humans fool themselves and each other constantly. We constantly ask a friend if they are okay when they look puzzled or troubled. Often times they say they are just tired. Often times we want to ask what the real problem is. At least I do. So when we deceive each other so often, it gets in the way of being able to trust each other blindly. A month ago one of my best friends told me they were in a new relationship and was the happiest they have been in a long time. I told them I was happy for them, but had doubts of course. She could hear it in my voice even though we haven’t talked or seen each other probably since then. Once I was given more information on the relationship, it is easier to trust it so far. But why? Why couldn’t I trust her infinitely and blindly? I wish I could and it’s something to struggle with. Something to work on. Something that Jesus Christ, the perfect example of a human could do. Trust in the perfect, infallible, whole God that provides us with oxygen and a body to breathe in air. Let trust rule your faith.
“And if I die, I’ll die, I’ll die alone like Jesus
On a cross
My faith cannot by tossed
And my life will not be lost
If my love comes across”
Don’t envy the one you love.
They’re missing something too,
And it’s you.
So, I pretend you don’t exist.
I could float away behind the mist of your weary eyes,
And emerge from the wispy smoke: The possibility of love.
Love is missing something too,
And it’s you.
So in case the ones you love forgot to tell you,
You’re beautiful.
And in case you didn’t hear me before,
I love you
You ignored my love,
So I tried and I tried to forget,
But I eventually realized:
After all this time something was missing,
And it was you.
Slip into the sea's Blog 